The internet has more traps than the new Indiana Jones movie

I hate the internet so much. This was an insanely eventful month, and I should have been blogging it every step of the way. But if I blog I end up sitting on the computer all day, exhausting every corner of the internet that doesn't make me want to throw bricks at orphans. I hate the fact that I cycle through the same ten websites EVERY day and hope that some new content is added on an hourly basis. I just sit there hating every agonizing moment, but indulge regardless. It's what I imagine a drug addiction is like, just.. you know... without the injecting/snorting/smoking/general side effects/health impact/financial impact/Cancer/AIDS/mood swings/drug deals/munchies. Well maybe a tad bit of the munchies... and AIDS.

There was a two week period when I was transitioning jobs and I wanted to spend it productively.... sitting in my computer chair for hours is highly unproductive. The days of WoW are long gone. I swore off the computer for a few weeks, and the blog along with it. However, a new dawn is upon us. Life is getting better, and at the same time life continues to get worse... but I promised myself I would document this all, and I keep promises. So now that I have less free time (well, actually I'm pretty absurdly busy) I can sit here without fear and blog away, because if I stay up all night I won't have the ability to function the next day at 5 AM. I'll catch up on the past month and really get this rolling in the future, but right now I really need to get to sleep now. But fear not young ones...

There Will Be Blog

I once was lost...

I was cleaning my computer room today and found the following PC games: World of Warcraft, Far Cry, Shadowbane, Operation Flashpoint, Will Rock, Call of Duty, Medal of Honor Allied Assault, Aliens versus Predator, Star Wars Rebel Assault, Die Hard Nakatomi Plaza, No One Lives Forever, Diablo 2, City of Heroes/Villains, Star Wars Jedi Outcast, Sea World Tycoon, Return to Castle Wolfenstein, Final Fantasy XI, Age of Mythology, Command and Conquer Renegade, Asheron's Call 2, Earth and Beyond, two copies of Counter Strike, and some crazy looking Japanese game from Tecmo (I have no idea what it is). I also found three video cards, Nerf darts, and my copy of The Art of War. Awesome!

The week that was: Things breaking

They say that "when it rains, it pours" but they neglect to tell you that when it pours, it pours daggers. What a surprise filled week this was...

The fact that I am online and typing this can only be considered a miracle. Earlier in the week, I was curious as to why my anti-virus software had decided to delete my Firefox browser from my computer. But that was nothing compared to the fun of actually watching it delete my audio software and then delete ITSELF while I sat there. That's when the computer really started to explode, giving me error messages every seven seconds, while at the same time losing my ability to right click or install anything. I could probably purge this computer for the THIRD time in three years and get it fixed, but I decided to gcycle(http://www.gcycle.org/) it, in a thought process that can only be described as FUCK GATEWAY. So, given the fact that I need a computer right now, I went out and dropped over a grand on a computer today. I probably didn't need to spend that much, but I decided that there are two types of computers in this world: those that can run Crysis, and those that can not... I chose the former.

So what if the fucking computer broke, I thought.... I'll just give the XBOX a little love. With the exception of the couple days after 'Tom Clancy's R6: Vegas 2' came out, I haven't touched my XBOX360 in like two months. Well, it turns out the old girl needed a little more attention, because she bit the fucking dust the same day as the computer. I considered just getting out of gaming altogether, but there's still a few games coming out that I would like to check out. I'll contact Microsoft and they'll mail me an XBOX coffin, so I can send it away to get fixed in the next month or so. What is cool about the past two months without XBOX, is that I figured out that I don't have to be an achievement-point whore any longer. I've really decided to scale back my gaming a considerable amount. Nick and I have been hanging out a lot, and we've been playing a lot of good games lately... mostly old stuff from the Sega Saturn era, and random original XBOX & arcade games. I forgot how much fun gaming used to be before achievements. I vow to no longer play games that aren't really fun for the sake of a meaningless score, and that should cut the amount of games I play from 900 a year to like 6. Gaming has always been an important part of my life and I would never change that, but I don't get paid to review games and I should stop acting like I do. Besides, there are better ways to spend my time... like learning to hit harder.

Speaking of getting paid, my MLB job seems absolutely awful thus far. I think I'll save a full-on rant for when I've been there a little longer, but the first impressions are not favorable. I would compare it to going on a first date with a one-armed prostitute with an annoying laugh... maybe there's a heart of gold in her, but it's not likely. For now, it's a paycheck and a character test to not walk out.

I hung out with Joe Vergara, drummer supreme, tonight and it was good to see him again. In further proof that nearly all women are condemnable, he broke up with his girlfriend too this month. I thought Spring was when people were supposed to fall in love... what is this mess?

But in what is possibly the worst news... Nick's gecko, Nacho, seems to be suffering and he figured out that he has to euthanize him. I can't say I necessarily understood when Nick decided to be the reptile man, and bought these geckos and their thousand dollar gecko mansions... but I feel for the dude. Nick is a good person and he took awesome care of these geckos, and it's just shit luck that the little guy isn't growing. If you really love animals, losing a pet is the most impossible thing to deal with aside from losing a person. The most humane way to do it, that we found, is to freeze him. The only humor to be taken from this, was Joe Vergara's analysis of "wait... isn't that cold?" ...Classic.

I've been in the emo-tastic rut before, just like everyone else, but I just can't break out of it tonight. It just does NOT seem to stop pouring right now. I remember that there is always a positive to be found, but then I stumble across things like this http://hiphopchessfederation.org/

Eventually the terrible things are going to stop happening..... right?

I've got it bad...

You know it just figures that after the healthiest month my body has had in about six years, I come down with the SARS. The coughing wakes me up in the middle of the night, so I'm pretty exhausted. That, coupled with the fact that I have job training all week, means I probably won't get around to blogging much this week. I'll try to pop on here when I'm not sleeping. I also want to try to finish the new book I'm reading this week. It's titled 'On Writing Well' and it's pretty awesome so far. Hopefully after reading it, I'll writes the gooder.

Punishment

What you are looking at is a "Bark Collar". Every time this dog barks, the collar sprays citronella in their face... I guess, making the dog less likely to bark? Well, they say its citronella, but it's probably concentrated puppy poison. Yes, I suppose the dog will bark less... and wish you were dead more. Granted, the absurdity of this "invention"could be the subject of a post by itself, but that can wait for another time. See, I think I'm actually going to purchase a few of these and modify them. I'm going to place them around the necks of my friends, mainly the Koreans, and every time they say the phrase "let's have an adventure" the collar will spray BOD cologne (also see: concentrated puppy poison).

For some reason, this blog thinks I live in a magical timezone that's always a day behind and perpetually in the 5:00-6:00 PM hour. Every post thus far has ended up within those parameters. Taking that into consideration, the reason I didn't put anything up here yesterday (the 4th) is because of my ridiculous friends.

Yesterday, I went out for a run around 1:30 and upon my return I discovered that I had locked myself out of my house. It was now 3:15ish and another three hours until my folks came home, so I had a lot of time to kill. I started calling people to pass the time, and laid down on the back porch for an hour. Around 4:30 I peered over the fence and saw the purple PT Cruiser that belongs to Nick Ruscoe driving down my street. "I'm saved! Hooray!" I thought. We drove over to the movie theater to see what was playing (nothing) and then drove over to the new PETCO. Nick got crickets for his lizards and I thought about getting some fish, but then realized that was a dumb idea. Around 5:30 I was finally able to get into my house. I grabbed a quick shower and then Nick and I decided to meet Jordan for some Chinese take-out at his place. Keep in mind, I have not had ANY food since 6PM the previous night. After picking up some liquid refreshments we made our way to Jordan's house and waited another 20 minutes for his wife to get home so she could join us for the meal. Here's where it all goes to hell.... Nick says "do we want to have an adventure tonight?" Instead of getting the delicious take-out, renting a movie, and having an enjoyable evening as we had planned...... we argue for the next HOUR about what restaurant we will take our adventure to. After screaming approximately 16,000 swear words, I start to realize that I'm extremely hungry and my stomach is starting to make noises that resemble paper when it's being shredded. We get into Jordan's car and continue to argue and swear at each other. Jordan drives us around for another hour and a half. We drove to the doorstep of perfectly acceptable restaurants, and as I pleaded that we just go in and eat anything, Nick and Jordan mention restaurants at the other end of the state and we drive to the next place. Over and over. Lather, rinse, kill yourself. I'm so hungry, that if I opened my mouth you could actually hear orphans crying from my stomach.

At this point I just started hitting people, and as the insanity started to set in, someone mentioned a buffet. Everyone had pretty much had enough at this point because it was 9:30 and places were going to start closing, so I decided to throw up the game-breaker.... We had misbehaved and it was time for a "punishment dinner". Historians estimate that most punishment dinners took place in the early 2000's in establishments such as Old Country Buffet or Peking Buffet. No one is brave enough to oppose this long-standing tradition, so SOMEHOW we all agree to go to Palace Buffet. What a waste. Of all the hundreds of places we could have gone, we pick the equivalent of a culinary holocaust. This is supposed to be a Chinese buffet. There was no white rice! Walking up to the first two tables, I see chicken nuggets, fries, pizza, mozzarella sticks, fried chicken wings. fried shrimp, BBQ ribs, and garlic bread. You might think, "gee, well maybe they have a lot of variety there!" but that would make you a moron. That is HALF of the buffet. The remaining "Chinese" food is awful. Allow me take you through a quick exchange we had over the meal:

Question: How are the crab legs Jordan?

Reply: That one tasted like Ham.

I'm not too familiar with the North African Coastal Ham Crab, but I'm pretty sure it has no place at our table. And the worst part is that midway through this disaster we find out Kelsey hates buffet style restaurants. She was just kind enough to go through the motions because we had finally agreed on a place. She is a saint.

"So what did we learn today?", I asked myself as I laid in bed last night. I learned that my stomach was more upset after eating that garbage, than when it was tearing itself apart. I learned that punishment dinners are an important part of our history, but perhaps it's time we gave up this tradition. I learned that there hasn't been a good Chinese buffet since 2002. I learned that it's time to stop punishing myself and start punishing others. I think the collars will be a good start. But the most important lesson learned? I will never lock myself outside of my house again.

Kentucky Fried Clusterfuck

There's a lot of serious issues out there that demand not only my attention, but the attention of all Americans as a whole. I started the day thinking which of these dilemmas to tackle in my post this evening, but only one has the moral gravity that it must be addressed immediately....

Kentucky Fried Chicken is changing it's name to Kentucky Grilled Chicken.......


ARE

YOU

SERIOUS

What is wrong with people? What brings people to make such terrible decisions? Let's examine this from every angle, and dissect why this could possibly trigger the end of days....


Firstly, this is moronic because executives have spent a fortune establishing the KFC brand. Now they have to spend (what I can only imagine is millions) on advertisement and RE-establishing the brand. Why would executives even entertain this idea? In as little as four years you run the risk of someone asking where the closest KFC is, and then being looked at like an a-hole. Why risk it? Some companies spend their whole lives hoping to attain brand recognition like KFC does.

Next, we have what is probably at the core of this nonsense... I can imagine the board room meeting now... "Let's promote a healthier way of living! People will identify with that!" I would love to tee-off on the face of this particular individual. Here executives, I'll do you a favor... no market research necessary... I'll tell you right now, that not a single person on this earth will ever associate KFC (in any of its forms) with healthy living. It's definitely an admirable thought to have, but some people just don't get to have it. When you are KFC, you do NOT get to have that thought. When you create the KFC bowl, you do not get to have that thought. In case you forgot, the KFC bowl was everything inside the KFC (chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, cheese, and a biscuit) MIXED TOGETHER IN A FUCKING BOWL.... YOU KNOW... SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASTE TIME PUTTING DOWN FOOD SO YOU CAN EAT MORE FOOD. This is the same KFC that has advertised for years the "Family Meal" which can easily kill a man. It was like 1,806 pieces of chicken, 72 sides, a well of Pepsi, a spork, and colon cancer. This is the same KFC thats catering plan is in increments of THOUSANDS of pieces of chicken. I'm sorry, but you forfeit your healthy conscience with these ideas. But at no point do I think they should do away with these items. Start offering grilled chicken and allow people to make a choice when they enter your building. People will MAKE you change your menu and name, only by not giving you business. KFC is still a profitable company. They reported a revenue of 520.3 million dollars in 07, and it was an UP year! You do not need to change your name!!!!!! It's like changing the name of Marlboro cigarettes to Happy Sticks.... at some point people are going to decide to stop murdering themselves, and then and only then do you revise the business model. You've never shown any corporate responsibility to your consumers before, and I don't expect you to now. I respected you for what you were, and was still able to look the Colonel in the eyes every morning... not now

But finally, we look to the future. What business do they stand to gain from this? Because of what I mentioned above, KFC is never going to get the 'health food' group that they apparently desire. Do they think a name change is going to have people flocking into their establishment? Maybe in generations from now I'll be proven wrong, but no one alive in this century is going to walk into a KFC because they changed their name and menu. So what do they stand to gain from this, besides losing millions? If they want to start serving more healthy options, I think that's really great. But who are you really kidding.... you will always be the place I go to four times a year when I'm really in the mood to hurt myself.

So is all this anger misplaced? No, now shut up.
But a lot of my rage also focuses on a similar theme: People have no idea how to make a healthy decision. America is clearly in some kind of "healthy living" kick right now. I know this, because every time I go outside another Vitamin Shoppe has been built around my house. It's true, they are popping up everywhere, and a lot of TV ads are diet related. This is a country that invents a new diet everyday and spends entirely too much money on fads and nonsense. The real reason people can't keep weight off is because they don't exercise and think they can diet their way to happiness. While this is possible, it isn't usually likely for most people. I understand not everyone can exercise for whatever reason, and I have no answer for that. But if you are going to diet, make a very healthy decision and tell these "health food" companies to go to hell. Lean Cuisine, Healthy Choice, etc...... they're frauds. They make some good products, don't get me wrong, but they also make infinitely more silly ones. If you want to eat healthy, then do it... don't meet them halfway. What I mean by that, is don't fill your freezer with this shit because it's supposed to be healthy..... make an informed and healthy decision. Let me give you an example:

Lester is dieting. Lester wants to lose weight, not just eat better. Lester also loves greasy, fatty, shitty food that happens to be delicious. So Lester goes to the market and buys Lean Cuisine versions of his favorite foods... an enchilada smothered in cheese.. great! Paninis filled with everything.. awesome! Pizzas with all types of bullshit toppings... sweet! Ice cream ... he'll take it! Fast forward a month and Lester has lost maybe a pound or two. What happened?

Lester didn't do anything healthy, and in the process eliminated nirvana from his sense of taste. Did Lester eat better? Absolutely... his heart is gracious for the break. But he didn't reach his goal, because he only met it halfway. Those are all real examples of dishes Lean Cuisine makes. I recently decided to check it out. The dishes are just "better for you" versions of their original heart stoppers. Pick one or the other. Eat actual healthy foods. Eat shit that is good for you, not just better for you. If you are going to have something terrible...... by all means get the real 1500 calorie deal. Give yourself the satisfaction of it actually being good, and not tasting like blubber (everything Lean Cuisine makes). And after you eat that shit, you're going to feel terrible I guarantee..... and if you are dedicated to your goal, you will eventually stop. You teach yourself to eat healthy if you make healthy decisions. Just find stuff that is good for you in the market. Turkey is a great example of this. It doesn't have to be health food to be healthy.

I'm not a doctor, and I don't know if what I propose will work for everyone, but I lost 15 pounds in the last 29 days without the aid of "health food" and I did it on about $70 dollars for every meal. Don't expect results.. create them. Use your head.

Now Colonel, please stop smiling at me you backstabbing son of a bitch.

Endless humor

I had to take a drug test today for my job with Major League Baseball.....

I hope I test positive for Human Growth Hormone.