There's a lot of serious issues out there that demand not only my attention, but the attention of all Americans as a whole. I started the day thinking which of these dilemmas to tackle in my post this evening, but only one has the moral gravity that it must be addressed immediately....
Kentucky Fried Chicken is changing it's name to Kentucky Grilled Chicken.......
ARE
YOU
SERIOUS
What is wrong with people? What brings people to make such terrible decisions? Let's examine this from every angle, and dissect why this could possibly trigger the end of days....
Firstly, this is moronic because executives have spent a fortune establishing the KFC brand. Now they have to spend (what I can only imagine is millions) on advertisement and RE-establishing the brand. Why would executives even entertain this idea? In as little as four years you run the risk of someone asking where the closest KFC is, and then being looked at like an a-hole. Why risk it? Some companies spend their whole lives hoping to attain brand recognition like KFC does.
Next, we have what is probably at the core of this nonsense... I can imagine the board room meeting now... "Let's promote a healthier way of living! People will identify with that!" I would love to tee-off on the face of this particular individual. Here executives, I'll do you a favor... no market research necessary... I'll tell you right now, that not a single person on this earth will ever associate KFC (in any of its forms) with healthy living. It's definitely an admirable thought to have, but some people just don't get to have it. When you are KFC, you do NOT get to have that thought. When you create the KFC bowl, you do not get to have that thought. In case you forgot, the KFC bowl was everything inside the KFC (chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, cheese, and a biscuit) MIXED TOGETHER IN A FUCKING BOWL.... YOU KNOW... SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASTE TIME PUTTING DOWN FOOD SO YOU CAN EAT MORE FOOD. This is the same KFC that has advertised for years the "Family Meal" which can easily kill a man. It was like 1,806 pieces of chicken, 72 sides, a well of Pepsi, a spork, and colon cancer. This is the same KFC thats catering plan is in increments of THOUSANDS of pieces of chicken. I'm sorry, but you forfeit your healthy conscience with these ideas. But at no point do I think they should do away with these items. Start offering grilled chicken and allow people to make a choice when they enter your building. People will MAKE you change your menu and name, only by not giving you business. KFC is still a profitable company. They reported a revenue of 520.3 million dollars in 07, and it was an UP year! You do not need to change your name!!!!!! It's like changing the name of Marlboro cigarettes to Happy Sticks.... at some point people are going to decide to stop murdering themselves, and then and only then do you revise the business model. You've never shown any corporate responsibility to your consumers before, and I don't expect you to now. I respected you for what you were, and was still able to look the Colonel in the eyes every morning... not now
But finally, we look to the future. What business do they stand to gain from this? Because of what I mentioned above, KFC is never going to get the 'health food' group that they apparently desire. Do they think a name change is going to have people flocking into their establishment? Maybe in generations from now I'll be proven wrong, but no one alive in this century is going to walk into a KFC because they changed their name and menu. So what do they stand to gain from this, besides losing millions? If they want to start serving more healthy options, I think that's really great. But who are you really kidding.... you will always be the place I go to four times a year when I'm really in the mood to hurt myself.
So is all this anger misplaced? No, now shut up.
But a lot of my rage also focuses on a similar theme: People have no idea how to make a healthy decision. America is clearly in some kind of "healthy living" kick right now. I know this, because every time I go outside another Vitamin Shoppe has been built around my house. It's true, they are popping up everywhere, and a lot of TV ads are diet related. This is a country that invents a new diet everyday and spends entirely too much money on fads and nonsense. The real reason people can't keep weight off is because they don't exercise and think they can diet their way to happiness. While this is possible, it isn't usually likely for most people. I understand not everyone can exercise for whatever reason, and I have no answer for that. But if you are going to diet, make a very healthy decision and tell these "health food" companies to go to hell. Lean Cuisine, Healthy Choice, etc...... they're frauds. They make some good products, don't get me wrong, but they also make infinitely more silly ones. If you want to eat healthy, then do it... don't meet them halfway. What I mean by that, is don't fill your freezer with this shit because it's supposed to be healthy..... make an informed and healthy decision. Let me give you an example:
Lester is dieting. Lester wants to lose weight, not just eat better. Lester also loves greasy, fatty, shitty food that happens to be delicious. So Lester goes to the market and buys Lean Cuisine versions of his favorite foods... an enchilada smothered in cheese.. great! Paninis filled with everything.. awesome! Pizzas with all types of bullshit toppings... sweet! Ice cream ... he'll take it! Fast forward a month and Lester has lost maybe a pound or two. What happened?
Lester didn't do anything healthy, and in the process eliminated nirvana from his sense of taste. Did Lester eat better? Absolutely... his heart is gracious for the break. But he didn't reach his goal, because he only met it halfway. Those are all real examples of dishes Lean Cuisine makes. I recently decided to check it out. The dishes are just "better for you" versions of their original heart stoppers. Pick one or the other. Eat actual healthy foods. Eat shit that is good for you, not just better for you. If you are going to have something terrible...... by all means get the real 1500 calorie deal. Give yourself the satisfaction of it actually being good, and not tasting like blubber (everything Lean Cuisine makes). And after you eat that shit, you're going to feel terrible I guarantee..... and if you are dedicated to your goal, you will eventually stop. You teach yourself to eat healthy if you make healthy decisions. Just find stuff that is good for you in the market. Turkey is a great example of this. It doesn't have to be health food to be healthy.
I'm not a doctor, and I don't know if what I propose will work for everyone, but I lost 15 pounds in the last 29 days without the aid of "health food" and I did it on about $70 dollars for every meal. Don't expect results.. create them. Use your head.
Now Colonel, please stop smiling at me you backstabbing son of a bitch.
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